Going to sleep some more, it’s the closest thing I’ve got to not living.
I just had one thing to look forward to today, and now that’s gone as well.
And for the record everything has been on a downhill slide. Every attempt I make to be positive and change things in my favor has not worked out and I’m sick of hoping that it will.
Fuck hope, it just leads you on and kills your spirit in the end.
I really don’t get people sometimes, if you say that it’s not the clothes that causes rape, it’s the rapist.. then why would you say that guns cause violence, would it not be the the person using it? It’s in the same way that you wouldn’t blame the spoon for making you fat. And if you say that guns give those who are violent more incentive to be harmful, well.. would your skanky clothing not be doing just the same? It’s a problem with the person, not the tool, they shouldn’t ban revealing clothing to stop rape anymore than they should ban guns to stop violence.
I’ve opened my shop today, and here are a few examples of the things that are currently in there. It’s just a few small things for now but I’ll post more additions as I go along. Feel free to spread the word around, it would mean a lot to me! :))
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SanguineHorror
**The prices are fair and it’s 100% vegan friendly**
Have you ever needed to change your panties because you soaked them while reading the list of performing bands? Because that just happened to me.
Triton music festival literally has every single one of my top favorite aggrotech bands playing. My rivethead phase my be over.. but I still love these fuckers to death.
9/10 will be attending.
Realizing I need help because I can’t do it on my own fucking sucks. ”Oh but there’s no shame in asking for help.” Umm.. maybe not for you.
I will never understand why the most harmless drug has to be the one that stays in your system the longest.. like fuck the world.
I’ve been clean for 25 days but the way I smoke and my lifestyle I only got about a 50% chance of passing my drug test right now.. I’ve been drinking cranberry juice and exercising a bit recently but I think I need to step up the game. Most people say to wait 30 days but I’d do 40 to play it safe.. that is if I don’t get called in to do it sooner, fuck I really hope not.
There’s really nothing more I can do right now other than try not to worry about it, but the stress of it is really depressing me.
So I’m getting kicked out of my housing.. but at least I have a chance to appeal my last hearing.
I don’t know what I would do if I can’t dorm though, even if I got an apartment, I don’t have a drivers license to get to campus..
Life really has a way of constantly sucking.
Today I finally dug deep enough to realize that a lot of my life problems stem from the fact that I hate myself and have absolutely no idea how I or anyone else could love me. I don’t take compliments very well probably because I don’t believe them, and it turns out that I’m always just comparing myself to others. Ever since I was little I used to tell my mother, “but I didn’t get the lowest grade in the class,” and she would say “but you weren’t the highest..” and I don’t think to this day that I’ve ever got the highest marks. But you know, that same sort of mentality has always followed me, I just never feel like I’m fucking good enough, and I never feel like I deserve anything I am given. I just have all this useless guilt too, and its gotten to the point where I’ve hit such the bottom that I don’t live my life for myself anymore, it’s just because I love and care about everyone else so much I wouldn’t want to hurt them by leaving..
I’m not sure why I put myself down way more than I ever would anyone else, I should probably stop, and I want to love myself, but it feels wrong, and I don’t even know where to begin.
Half the money I’m making working on my dad’s house this summer is going to paying several people off to keep their mouth shut about something I did.. worth it.
There’s something about Nature I’ve always been very pulled to. I’ve never really given it much thought, I just thought the energy and happiness I felt outside was some kind of pull because deep down we’re all animals.
It’s taken me 19 years to finally have the balls to do it, but I’ve left my fear of God and decided to try my path as a Pagan.
It’s really only been a day since I’ve left Christianity in pursuit of Wicca, but never would I have imagined I feel so happy and healthy internally.
I’m interested in the religion and would like to know more about it.
I mean, I’m reading up on it like crazy right now, but I’d like to talk to someone first hand about it too.
Sorry I haven’t been around much recently. I’ve been super busy so I haven’t gotten my computer fixed yet, but I figured out the problem, I have no IP address. I’ve somehow managed to get rid of it, but even with a cable later, I still can’t get online, so fuck it.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’m still alive, mostly.
Have you ever been so nauseous that you’re itching, sweating, panting, your vision is blurred and all the muscles in your extremities “fall asleep” causing you to collapse naked on the floor and crawl your way into a shower stall and projectile vomit orange puke everywhere?
Because that’s what happened to me last night.. and it wasn’t pretty
Last night I went to a concert with my sister and some local death metal band played, so naturally I was suddenly very happy and moved to the middle of the floor. It was a relief from the other shit bands that were up there, and to my biggest surprise, my emochild of a sister joined in my outrageous headbanging and kept up quite nicely. Not only that but she also was the first to shove me, making me shove the guy next to me, then a pit broke out.. and my sister and I… we moshed together. I’m getting a little teary just thinking about it.
Oh.. and then she expresses how in March there is some band called “Graveworm” coming that she wants to go see…. WHAT.
There is hope for this one yet. She is slowly getting more into metal and away from her screamo nonsense. She’s kind of experimenting with hardcore/deathcore and I told her if she ever needs to know a few real bands, I’ve got her covered. She’s only 15 so, she’s got time to grow.
Now we sit together nursing our bangovers, and smelling up the whole house with icy hot.. Never been so proud in my entire life.